Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
