Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
