I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
