apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
