shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
