fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
well you can't waste a boner
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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