im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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