Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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