I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
