new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
