When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
