I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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