She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
