I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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