I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
