Your mouth is God's brothel.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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