Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
