Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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