You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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