remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
i now understand why vodka
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
