Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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