she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
