yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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