3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
