using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just threw up on my dentist
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
