Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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