he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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