I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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