Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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