When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
