Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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