The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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