Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
