genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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