I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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