there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
