fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just tell him i said nine months
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
