I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
