No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
