last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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