It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
