My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The air taste purple.
Randomize
