if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
