Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
