You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I booty called her while she was in labor.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
