he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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