I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
