she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
