M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
