i just had sex bonerless
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
