I hate your face
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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