My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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